Customer Service in the City of Steel

This is a dramatization based on actual events - the time delay is real. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

3:30 p.m.
Kentucky Fried Chicken how can I help you?
Me: What are your specials?
KFC: We have 10 pieces of chicken, large fries and gravy and two salads for $19.99
Me: You got anything smaller? It’s only me.
KFC we have 7 pieces of chicken, a large fry and gravy for $12.48
Me: You got anything cheaper?
KFC we have 2 piece meals, 3 piece meals, 5 piece meals
Me: I’ll go for the 7 piece
Me: Can I get a salad instead of the fries with the 7 piece?
KFC Yes
Me: What kind of salads do you have?
KFC we have potatoe, macaroni, coleslaw, Greek, Caesar and mandarin spice
Me How much for an extra small Caesar salad?
KFC: $1.99
Me: Can I get a salad instead of the fries for the same price?
KFC Yes. It’s actually cheaper if you buy the pieces separately
Me: Ok I’ll take a large potatoe salad and a small Caesar
Me: You should have a list of different meal deals
KFC: (insert Napoleon Dynamite exasperation here)
KFC: Actually we do, all kinds
Me: I’ll just take the 7 pieces and the salads
KFC: Ok that’s $18.37 including $3.50 for delivery. That’ll take 45 minutes or less
Me: Ok

5:15 p.m.
KFC: Kentucky Fried Chicken can I help you?
Me: Hi, I put an order in around 3:30 p.m. is everything ok with that?
KFC: The driver was there and you weren’t
Me: The driver must have come early because I was in the laundry room
KFC: You should have been home when we got there
Me: Ok
KFC: You still want the order?
Me: Of course

6:00 p.m.KFC: Kentucky Fried Chicken can I help you?
Me: Yeah it’s been 45 minutes and the driver isn’t here yet
KFC: He just left
Me: Do you know how long he’ll be?
KFC: No
Me: OK

6:02 p.m.
Knock at the door
Me: Hi, you were here earlier
KFC: Yeah – I buzzed but you didn’t answer, I knocked and you didn’t answer and there were people standing around downstairs and they wouldn’t let me in
Me: ***holes
KFC: yeah
Me: Do you have any loonies?

6:04 p.m.
Me yelling out the window:
Hey driver you forgot half my order could I have half my money back?
KFC: No
Me: Why not?
KFC: You have to call the store

6:06 p.m.KFC: Kentucky Fried Chicken can I help you?
Me: Yeah the driver forgot half my order
KFC: What didn’t you get?
Me: The large potatoe salad and small Caesar
KFC: hang on (yelling in back)
KFC: What didn’t he bring you?
Me: I just told you what he didn’t bring
KFC: Well tell me again
Me: The large potatoe salad and small Caesar
KFC: I packed that the driver should have it
Me: Look – he didn’t have it, he took my money and wouldn’t give me back the amount to cover the salads
KFC: He’ll bring it to you when he gets back
Me: How long will that be?
KFC: I don’t know
Me: expletive **customer service

8:00 p.m.
Hamilton Police Service
Me: Yes, I’d like to report a theft by Kentucky Fried Chicken staff
HPS: That’s not theft ma’am
Me: The guy took my money and refused to give part of it back, I didn’t get my food – it’s 4 hours after I ordered and no one has deliv…
HPS: It’s a civil matter ma’am
Me: I’m supposed to pay for a lawyer to sue Kentucky Fried Chicken after they took my mon…
HPS: taking your money without delivering the goods isn’t theft ma’am
Me: What is then?
HPS: Call a lawyer ma’am
Me: Wah..Wait a minute…how come some kids get charged for stealing a $2 chocolate bar from Wal-Mart but I can’t…
HPS: It’s not our responsibility ma’am, call a lawyer * click *

8:15 p.m.* Buzzer *
Me: Yea
KFC: KFC (in a sing song voice)
Me: Ok
(Knock at the door)
Me: Hi you’re not the same driver – did they fire him?
KFC: No I’m just filling in
Me: I guess I don’t have to worry about my salad getting cold
KFC: (laughs)
Me: You want some chicken? I lost my appetite.
KFC: (laughs)