Who needs Dyanetics when there's Club Med?

This article from The Spec has a prima facie expose on The Church of Scientology - you know, those descendents from alliens who use electronic tests to determine your spiritual disorders - all for a cost.

If those wanting to pay to be Scientologists I have a cheaper, actually free, alternative to proposition you on.

Come to Ontario and take a psychological test that isn't approved for use in the United States to diagnose Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) but psychometrists here will gladly use it to diagnose you with it here. And don't worry about the cost - the federal government pays for it.

Once you have been screened and have a diagnosis based on fraudulent tests you are legally considered "disabled" and now qualify to have a membership into the Ontario mental health system also known as 'Club Med' (med standing for medication).

Once your initiation has taken place in Club Med, which entails interviews with intake officers, (ex-cons posing as health care professionals) you'll give them all of your historical data so they can transcribe it with a condition of their choice. It doesn't matter that what you have said isn't what they wrote because once you've accepted membership you have signed over your personality to the Director of Membership.

Once the scribe fabricates the history, the Director of Membership reads it and looks over some test questions that were predetermined by a guy named Freud who was stoned on cocaine when writing his thesis. From this clinical data they determine what type of person they wish you to become based on these tests and, depending on how much historical evidence they had to alter, will put you on a course of medication that will definitely improve the symptomology of the predetermined state they needed to fill a quota. Once the drugs kick in they will thus appear to make the personality of their choice apparent.

Don't worry if you have troubles in the beginning and start to protest the methods and ideology. This is normal and many members go through this phase. If this is the case the intake officers will direct you to Membership Services who tell you that many individuals go through the process and its nothing to worry about only to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Once your personal will has been adequately depleted you will told that your new personality will take hold shortly and you will eventually come to believe it. Once broken in you then qualify for the most prestigious of awards (and, of course, a benefit to science) and that is to be a research subject that will justify the tests the government is paying for proves the brilliance of the researchers. This secures the researcher's time share at Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.

But all is not lost. Once you've come to terms with your new brand you now qualify for government funding and won't have to work a day in your life. You'll be able to go bowling, make baskets, draw some art that shows how, even you too, can become a somewhat functioning addition to the human race. Just think of all the cigarettes you can smoke and the coffee you can drink? Now that's Nirvana!

And all of this for free, compliments of the governments of Ontario and Canada. So who needs dyanetics when there is Ontario's Club Med?



This was a public service announcement sponsored by the Friends of Psychiatrists Foundation, Industry Canada and the Ontario Visitors Convention Bureau. All rights reserved.